Wednesday, 8 November 2017

OOARRYER, OOARRYER.


Some football clubs dream of winning the Cup or finishing the season as league champions; even enjoying success in Europe. West Ham on the other hand want only to be able to play Accrington Stanley on a regular basis and to do that, down is the only way to go.

To this effect, they have sacked the most successful manager they have ever had and replaced him with a man they are sure can do the job. 

Step forward David Moyes.

As the manager who got Sunderland out of the Premiership and into the Championship in just one season and who even almost managed to get the mighty Manchester United relegated, he is the obvious choice.

I shall look forward to his career with interest.






Are you ready 

for the new 

world of 

social media?


Take this simple test to find out





Would you spend nearly £1000 on a new mobile phone then keep dropping it onto a hard surface till it breaks?
(A) Yes
(B) No

If you have misplaced your cat, do you post a blurry, extreme close up picture of it's left nostril in the hope that someone will recognise it?
(A) Yes
(B) No

Ten likes = one prayer for the sick child.
(A) Of course
(B) No

Your friend posts a cryptic comment which alludes to some crisis in their personal life in a desperate attempt to garner sympathy, do you reply with?
(A) What's up hun?
(B) Fuck off

Are you even mildly amused by friends' posts featuring the puerile antics of their loathsome offspring?
(A) Yes
(B) No

When you want directions to get somewhere by public transport, do you just ask on Facebook and assume someone else is going to look it up for you on the TFL website?
(A) Yes
(B) No

As above, but this time you want to know when Morrison's closes on a Sunday.
(A) Yes
(B) No

You receive a post which shows a picture of a woman standing in front of a fireplace with her right arm badly Photoshopped out. With the photograph is a story about how the poor woman's Husband is embarrassed to be seen out with her because of her disability. Is this?
(A) A cry from the woman who is being cruelly treated by her beastly Husband
(B) A picture of a woman with her arm badly Photoshopped out

Do you imagine for one moment that anyone is remotely interested in what is on your dinner plate right now?
(A) Yes
(B) No

When you receive another inspirational post from David Avocado Wolfe, do you?
(A) Share it with all your friends because he is such a wonderful man
(B) Wish he would hurry up and die.

Are you looking forward to the next opportunity to win a brand new iPhone by liking and sharing a post which says they have to be given away because the box has been opened?
(A) Absolutely
(B) Jesus H Christ on a bicycle, not another one.

It's really important to type “amen” when you receive a post asking how grateful you are to God for not being eaten by an Alligator today.
(A) Yes
(B) No

If you don't share this post with at least ten friends, you will have five year's bad luck
(A) Yes
(B) No



Each “A” is worth 5 points
Each “B” is worth 0 points.

55 to 65 points - Well done, you are clearly prepared for life in the virtual world. You are sensible and sympathetic towards others.

10 to 55 points - You really need to try harder if you want to be popular with all your Facebook friends.

0 to 10 points - Oh dear! You are a cynical and insensitive individual who will probably come to a bad end. Better get on with sharing this post ASAP before your luck runs out.



Thursday, 2 November 2017

BRILLIANT NEWS EVERYBODY

The Thamesmead Grump now has a Facebook page which means that you will be able to see even more of me.

Once you have gotten over your initial excitement, just click on the link to be taken to the new page straight away.

Don't forget to like and follow it to keep up to date with my most witty comments and ideas.

The Thamesmead Grump Facebook Page

Sunday, 15 October 2017

Sick Baby Scam


Kati Ringer, internet troll.
Stole a picture of a sick baby to fund
a fake "Go Fund Me" appeal
then threatened to "find and Rape"
her when the Mother complained.

In 2015, she was sentenced to three years in prison after sending doctored pictures of babies with abusive comments to their parents.

This time she was stealing photographs of sick children from other people's Instagram accounts and using them to try and pass them off as her own in order to solicit payments to a "Go Fund Me" account. It was when the mother of one of the children whose photograph she had stolen challenged her that she became threatening and abusive.

These sort of scams appear with depressing regularity on social media sites like Facebook with claims that Google or Amazon or whoever will donate money in exchange for "liking" or "sharing" the post. No matter how many times it's been made clear that all these types of post are some sort of scam, people still get fooled by them.

The next time you are invited to believe that ten likes = one prayer, or that typing "amen" will somehow make the child better: that liking the picture of the woman with a limb or two photoshopped out "because her partner thinks she is too embarrassing to be seen in public": that the RV showroom is going to give away 10 of their vehicles for free: that Apple have to give away 100 iPhones because they have been opened, then please think again; you are contributing to a particularly nasty criminal activity. You can read more about this sort of scam by clicking the link here.

One would expect that any man who contacted a woman and threatened to rape her baby would be looking at a pretty long prison sentence, especially after being jailed for similar activity previously. Kati Ringer, well, she was given a 30 week suspended sentence and ordered to pay £225 costs.



Creepy Crawly casserole anyone?


I was going to illustrate this item with a
picture of a plate full of grubs, but they were
all so stomach-churningly disgusting I decided
to use this picture of some proper food.


According to this BBC article, (one of several they have published over the years), we may be able to "save the planet" by eating insects. They don't say what we are supposed to be saving the planet from but apparently the idea is that we replace eating meat for insects. Animal farming, we are told, produces large amounts of methane gas which contributes to global warming: so it's not the planet we would be saving, rather our dominant position on it.

The article goes on to tell us that eating insects is quite common in some parts of the world already, so it seems to me that all we have to do is to tell the people already eating them to eat more and let the rest of us stick to our regular Sunday roast, thank you very much.





Wednesday, 4 October 2017

TORY PARTY 

CONFERENCE SPECIAL


Jeremy Hunt.
Jeremy Hunt, who famously supports the idea that babies should be allowed to starve to save money has appeared at the party conference talking about how much more needs to be done to tackle childhood obesity. Unfortunately, he forgot to take off his Tate & Lyle lanyard first. (Tate & Lyle are sponsoring the event).

Boris Johnson.
Poor Boris has been terribly misquoted by the left wing socialist press, claiming he said that all that Libya has to do to turn their country into another Dubai was to "clear the dead bodies away".

The fact is he said nothing of the sort, what he actually said was "clear the dead wogs away".

Shame on you Daily Mail and Daily Migrant.

Fortunately, his fellow MP Nadine Dorries came to his aid arguing that this was  a "co-ordinated and mendacious" campaign by Remain MPs to discredit him. 

Boris himself was quick to point out his history understanding the true nature of totalitarian Muslim regimes, recounting his passionate support of Turkey's application to join the European Union.

Democratic Unionist Party.
One really important issue to be clarified at this year's conference is the Tory party/DUP relationship. In that, we can all breathe a sigh of relief as it has been confirmed that the deal between them is not a temporary one. 


They have already shown how valuable they are to the rest of the UK when they successfully blocked a Labour motion to abolish the pay freeze on nurses and emergency workers.

We can now be sure that the Act of Settlement 1701 will be restored, as will the ban on Catholics becoming MPs. Hopefully, we should see the Orange Order marching down Whitehall any time soon.



A LITTLE BIT OF JUSTICE


Belle Gibson, fake wellness guru
who has just been fined A$410,00
by the Australian court for misleading
her readers
Not a great deal of justice to be fair, considering the crime, but some justice nevertheless.


You probably will never have heard of her, but in her native Australia, she was a hugely successful promoter of quackery, making massive profits from her collection of books and health app.

She first made the headlines in 2009 when she claimed that she had a number of cancers, including cancer of the brain, spleen, blood, uterus, liver and kidneys, all brought about by a reaction to the cervical cancer vaccine Gardasil. She then went on to claim that she had managed to cure herself of all these cancers by using various "alternative" remedies including diet, exercise, colonic irrigation and other practises.

On the strength of these claims, she managed to persuade millions of people to buy into her newly created app and cookbook called "The Whole Pantry".

It subsequently turned out that she never had any of the illnesses she claimed to have been cured of. She originally claimed that her brain cancer diagnosis had been made by an alternative therapist although a subsequent brain scan showed nothing. She also claimed that she had donated much of her earnings from her books and app to charity but was unable to say which ones. 

One might hope that others of her ilk, Depak Chopra, Vani Hari, that bloody David Avocado Wolfe (whose posts plague my Facebook page) would suffer the same fate but as they are all based in the USA, probably not.















Monday, 25 September 2017


VOTE FOR ME


The peasants are revolting, or so it appears. Plumstead residents, fed up with the piss-poor service they are receiving from the council have set up their own political party and are now pursuing a local agenda in direct opposition to the incumbent Labour group.

Claiming to be non party political, they are campaigning on the principal that locally elected politicians should take more than a passing interest in local affairs and should not sacrifice community needs in the interest of wider national party policies.

The idea has spread and there is now a movement to set a similar group up in Abbey Wood; local social media is full of it and there definitely seems to be a lot of support for the idea. Personally, I will support anything that breaks the stranglehold of what must be one of the most damaging aspects of the British electoral system, the Micky Mouse voter.

A few years ago, I used to work with a woman who had been a lifelong Labour Party activist and would never consider voting any other way. In 1983, she campaigned to get Michael Foot elected because he was going to abolish our nuclear deterrent. In 2010, she campaigned to get Gordon Brown re-elected as she supported his plan to replace our ageing fleet of Trident submarines. 

"Hang on"! I hear you say, "how can you support both the abolition of our nuclear deterrent and it's replacement at the same time?" The answer is of course you can't.

The two policies are totally irreconcilable, completely opposed to one another. To make it worse, she supported abolishing our nuclear deterrent at a time when the Soviet  Empire represented a clear and direct threat to our country, then supported retaining it when that threat no longer existed. 

So what's going on? The Micky Mouse effect is what's going on. She wasn't opposing or supporting nuclear weapons, she was supporting Labour. It didn't matter a toss what the policy was, she voted Labour because she voted Labour because she voted Labour, ad-infinitum.

Put simply, the Micky Mouse voter is someone who votes for the same party at every election regardless of what that parties polices are or, more importantly, who the local candidate is. The argument goes that if the party you support puts up Micky Mouse as their candidate, you will still vote for him.

Interestingly, some of the debate going on at the moment around the Abbey Wood proposal highlights just this syndrome. Aside from the predictable conspiracy theorist "It's all a plot by the Tories to split the Labour vote" contribution, they also have someone bleating on about how you should only vote Conservative. Never mind that the Conservative candidate may be a crook; never mind that the whole council may be being run by lying, cheating, self-serving hypocrites (see Bexley is Bonkers, ad nauseam), you still have to vote for them.

I will be keen to see how this develops. The Thamesmead Party anyone?



HUFFING, PUFFING AND TOSSING.


Exactly as I predicted in my blog dated 20 December 2016, there has been a hysterical reaction to Bexley Council's new litter patrols from our smoking community. Also, it's exactly as I predicted, that it would be only our smoking community that was doing the protesting.

Setting aside the fact that the company Bexley hired to do the job were the subject of a recent Chanel 4 documentary about their illegal practice of setting their agents targets, (this was inevitably going to happen, as night follows day), there is the sad fact that smokers really do think that the world is their ashtray and "flicking a fag end" as one commentator put it, doesn't constitute littering.

I'm assuming that Bexley's litter patrols don't fine anyone for dropping their fast food containers, drinks cans/bottles or for gobbing their chewing gum onto the pavement as I haven't heard anyone complaining that they had; it's only the smokers that are being picked on.

It's not like fag ends are a problem. Smokers may flick about 4.5 trillion of them every year and although they are all saturated with a cocktail of toxic chemicals, many of which are known to cause cancer in humans, they soon get washed down the drain where they end up in the sea and who cares what we throw in that?